pandering to hankerings

photo by brett jordan via flickr (creative commons)me want fries.

a large, freshly baked, chocolate chip cookie laden with macadamia nuts would be swell, too. but mostly, i really want french fries.

sure, i’ve got a box of thin mints and leftover ice cream cake from my mom’s birthday sitting in the freezer, and half a box of samoas. but who cares? no big deal. i want moooore something savory. and as delightful as girl scout cookies and ice cream are in their own right, neither will do it for me right now.

i just had a bowl of instant ramen, which never really satisfies even when i do crave it, am i right? especially after i’ve had real ramen. but given the rain today, i thought something soupy and noodle-y would suit, and also curb me from getting a big mac (buy one get one free until sometime later this month) with my french fry purchase.

oh yeah, the fact that a mcdonald’s is within walking distance = bad news bears.

where did this monster craving for fries even come from, i wondered to myself. is it that time of the month?

community: abed charts cycles

is it because i resumed running now that the weather’s let up and now my metabolism’s switched gears?

all of the above?

what’s fascinating is that exercise usually dulls my cravings for junk food. i’m not keen on smoothies or bananas but after i run, those are foods i want to stuff myself with.

but i wonder if quickening my metabolism has only served to stir the monster within. what it is that turns my mr. hyde-ish hankerings into more dr. jekyll-like inclinations?

yesterday as i imagined myself marching into mcdonald’s after my run, it became apparent my running would only stave off weight gain, rather than spur on weight loss. my brother suggested that i lose weight before i start law school to offset potential/likely weight gain from the sedentary nature of the academic lifestyle. he pointed out that our friend had gained 30 pounds during his 1L, though my sister-in-law pointed out that said friend also subsisted on a steady diet of pizza bagels and hot pockets.

and almost miraculously, in the course of typing this, my craving for fries has disappeared, as though the appetite were a turtle retreating into its shell. though i still would gladly welcome the aforementioned cookie.

somewhere in this confession of my hormone-and-exercise-induced hankering for french fries is a metaphor for self-control, surrender, discernment, and desires.

shall we continue the discussion in the comments?

thoughts on my homecoming anniversary

march 29, 2013

sara_bracket_updatedwe celebrated good friday on that date. appropriately enough, that was also the day that i moved back to new york. that march was madness and sadness on many levels, including georgetown’s early exit from the big dance. (what’s worse, i ask my fellow hoya alumni: losing to a #15 seed off the bat, or not making it to the tournament?).

march 29, 2014

i spend a rainy morning & afternoon at an area law school’s admitted students event. some faces are familiar as i’ve seen them at previous visits to other law schools. the law school application has more or less ended (save for being put on one school’s waitlist) and i have two weeks and two days to decide which school.

this first year back looks like my own holy saturday, except mine was stretched out for a year–and still counting. it makes me wonder what exactly Jesus was up to between his death and resurrection. one circle of friend would say that he was reclaiming dominion over the kingdom from satan, who had tempted Jesus to worship him in exchange for authority over the kingdom.

i then wonder about the forty days and forty nights Jesus fasted and walked through the wilderness. what were his conversations with the other persons of the trinity like? was his gaze always heavenward? did he see with utter clarity the joy set before him? was this fast like the midterm he took before the final exam — the cross?

wait, where am i going with all of this?

ah yes. happy homecoming anniversary to me. 365 days later, God has expanded my view of spiritual family while allowing me to reconnect with my biological family. especially with my brother having left mom & dad to cleave to another person, seemingly ordinary nights in at home are no small treasures. it would seem that my brother and i have taken turns being the only child, and that i grew up in reverse

it’s wild to imagine law school as the promised land because these next three years comprise a preparation season unto themselves…

anyway, in conclusion… to quote caedmon’s call, “looking back, i see the lead of love.” i look back at this past year and the word renaissance pops up repeatedly; this homecoming has been “same same but different” than the world race. and if this renaissance year has been this sweet, i can hardly imagine what this next year will be like.

lenten confessions

my brother’s been married for three weeks and two days. i was going to share my reflections soon after the wedding, after the months of planning and anticipation. months ago, i had seen a video of sarah kay, a poet/spoken word artists, sharing a poem about her brother and knew that it would go well with my post. so i put it in a draft.

but i hadn’t finished the draft yet.

and now, i confess i broke my fast (mostly inadvertently)–chiefly fb and instagram–because mom & dad needed help figuring out how to share/download photos from the wedding that popped up on their news feeds. and of course once i saw the photos, i had to look at more for myself.

the blogging bottleneck was further compounded by my then addiction to house of cards. methinks the show’s brilliance lies in its ability to bifurcate my reaction to the protagonist, frank underwood (played by kevin spacey). i catch half of myself wishing for his success and marveling at his dexterity with deception; the other half of me is utterly disgusted with him, desiring retribution for his terrible deeds.

once i finished house of cards, there was suits. and i still need to find a way to watch the next to last episode of season 4 of downton abbey. then march madness (oh, the madness, you hurt so good). and redownloading bejeweled blitz. and now there’s call the midwife (had i not been fasting from social media, i would’ve remembered to set up the dvr).

plenty to entertain and take up time without social media, which has meant lots more consumption than creation. oy.

so i figured well, might as well find get back on the reading wagon so i went to the library and checked out five books, four novels and one collection of short stories — all asian-american authors.

having said all that, my online activity sans social media hasn’t been all that frivolous. instead of getting lost in my facebook newsfeed, i’ve been:

  • looking for more gainful employment between now and before starting school, since it doesn’t seem wise to bank on playing jeopardy! as a means winning a substantial amount of money in a short time. i’m looking to either substitute or supplement my current workload.
  • preparing my tax return
  • applying for health insurance. yargh! discrepancies abound between applying over the phone and applying online. over the phone, i was enrolled. online… application isn’t complete. no email confirmation after enrolling over the phone and neither confirmation/id numbers i gave made sense. i can’t imagine how much worse it was just months ago.
  • deliberating on law school. i visited two of the law schools. emailed and called to negotiate scholarships. researching outside scholarships. sifting through forums on getting feedback from friends.

halfway through lent, my fast has been quasi-successful. if nothing else, it has been informative and revelatory. i hope i’ll be able to post something more significant than a laundry-list confessional — like reflections on my brother’s recent nuptials, and that i’ve been back in new york for a full year…