like any mature adult, i’m going to blame the existence of something for my lack of self-control, namely, social media.
before the trip, i decided not to take my laptop with me; during the trip, i checked email twice. those ten days untethered to technology were
i had hoped rather naively to parlay that upon my return — y’know, keep extraneous checking of email/social media to a minimum, only when necessary.
alas, i wasn’t away long enough for that behavior to become habit. contrary to my flurry of activity on various online networks, i actually love/hate social media. aside from the ability to listen to music whenever i want (since i lack a functional portable music playing device), i didn’t miss the internets much.
[tangent: if after 11 months of limited internet access (yet regularly blogging) i still reverted to a life of omniconnectivity — sans smartphone — methinks i’ll have to do something drastic a la matthew 5:29-30]
but perhaps, unlike me, you didn’t expect my life or me to change drastically after a short trip — at least, not in that way. maybe you did anticipate the stint in south asia would alter me extensively.
i should’ve known better, right? after all, i’m a marketer for a short-term missions organization; of course i concede intellectually that it’s possible for one’s life to transform completely, for one to make a lasting impact, in a matter of days.
my household sensed and saw — before and while i was gone — the weight, the significance of this trip, much more clearly than i did. when the opportunity to go was first presented to me, i waffled a bit but eventually i took it.
and now, it’s taken hold of me; things
i had sought answers to questions like:
- law and/or grad school?
- how/when will my career change again?
only to be given more to consider, and reminded of the question the Lord wanted me to ask him last summer:
do i pursue justice through law or intercession?
the first week back was a haze; with the help of sickness and jet lag, my body and mind moved slowly. the second week back, i still felt as though i was suspended in mid-air (like carrie ann moss’s character in the matrix) but to a lesser extent.
however, there is a lot of me that hasn’t quite checked back into here and i realized how severely i underestimated my need for additional time-off.
i’m no stranger to witnessing poverty. even though this was the first time i was exposed to human trafficking/forced prostitution, what i saw with just my eyes wasn’t as grotesque or menacing as i had imagined. i could be still be reeling or numb from it… maybe both.
either way, i didn’t need more time to recover from the shock of what i saw per se. or maybe that self-assessment is telling in and of itself and means that i indeed need more time, to figure out if i am shellshocked and need to “recover”.
i really need(ed) more time and space to let it all just sit on me. frankly, i feel (felt?) rushed, pressured (real and/or imagined) to get quickly out from under the weight of it all. i still dunno if i’m ready to draw conclusions and the line between prolonged and premature is quite thin.
as i share about the trip in the coming days, we’ll see how this all unfolds, won’t we?
glad to be unwrapping all this with you.
p.s. speaking of shifts, during the trip and since my return, curiosity/pining for mystery future spouse: mostly evaporated. but that’s a blog post for another day…